The Wayfarer (mnfaure) wrote,
The Wayfarer

Am I the Wayfaring Wordhack or not

I have been thinking lately of how my handle here doesn't really reflect my life at the moment. I still have stories in me, I am sure. I just don't spend a lot of time with that part of myself these days.

Recently, after my health issues climaxed, leaving me pretty rundown,  J left for a week of training down by my mil's house. He took our three kids with him, so I could have some R&R time. It was difficult to allow myself to just take it easy at first, but I ended up spending days reading. Being back in the storyworlds of others made me want to look at my own.  Knowing that I am probably not going to be able to drown myself in writing like I could in my pre-kid and pre-homestead days, I chose to dust off my first stand-alone novel, The Traveler's Daughter, and just read through it without allowing myself to take notes or edit.

The first four chapters were painful. I was cringing right and left over how overworked and stilted everything was. Over how it was a mixture of rushed, overly dense, and fraught with amateurish mystery. I heartily feared for the rest of the novel, but by the time I got to chapter 5, I started to enjoy myself more. I still love the story. I still love the characters.  After the decade of distance I now have, I can see some changes I need to make (actually I had already written up many before I moved away from the story all those years ago). However, I haven't started anything with it yet because of a couple things.

First, I don't have plans to publish or seek publishing at this point. I know that when I do, I will want to have more finished and polished works on offer simply because I know that is what the market demands. And speaking of demands, I have enough on my life right now, thank you very much.

So, do I believe in this story enough to do give into the demands required for its revision? I enjoyed rereading it, but upon completion, I didn't immediately dive back into edits. Does that mean I don't have the love it takes? Will the love come back the more time I spend? Will I get so sucked in that I completely ignore everything else and get snippy with everyone who interrupts me? I don't want to be that person, but I fear I easily could.

A lot of rhetorical questions, I know. 

After rereading my 2016 NaNo middle grade fiction that I may or may not have mentioned on here, I didn't revise it either.

I think I have a severe case of Lack of Self-Judgment/Analysis/Distance when it comes to my own work. I might like stuff, but I don't see it being something that anyone else would want to spend time with or money on. Please note that this is not fishing for compliments. This is the admittedly stupid act of trying to think for a market.

Stupid or not, I need to think of the success of my stories out in the world. Because if I take time to put stuff out there, I want to make money on it. I am a stay-at-home mom with no source of income in a family that needs income for its homestead*, AND I have a husband who has passions of his own, which he could pursue more comfortably if I could put my passion to work supplementing our earnings.

This is feeling like a much needed pep talk to take my hobbies (rusty** though they are) more seriously.

Which means another pep talk about rigor and discipline is also needed.

* We live simply overall, but self-sufficiency is not truly our goal, and the mechanic doesn't barter for car repairs, neither do utility services. I want a milk cow, but I have to be able to buy fencing, etc... You know, life stuff.

** Oh. My. Word. are they rusty. That is the second in the "couple of things" that is keeping me from diving back into it.

Tags: books, discipline is my friend, fear of failure, solitary headgames, that thing called writing

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