Something is wrong with me. It must be. I want to talk about my writing, my thoughts, and feelings concerning my current project, and yet every time I sit down, the desire flees and I stare blankly at the screen. Even my fingers begin to ache, compounding the negativism of the little voice that whispers, "Forget it; you've nothing important to say anyhow. You just want to ramble and whine."
Perhaps I'm under a curse of some kind. Now there's a fun thought for a writer of fantasy. Maybe I do have something important to say--something important to me, I mean, not to the wide world in general--and a curse is preventing me from formulating it. Actually, this thought eerily mirrors something that happens to a character in The Bitter River.
Anyhow, footlingagain and I were recently conversing about a writer's pride (when goal! and communities! are involved, specifically) and when to say that you've done what you could with a project and it is time to let it sit for a while. The comments brought out an underlying problem I'm having with my WIP, which is that I'm not fully immersed in the world and characters. I've accepted that until I've done more research and mulled over some story aspects I'm just writing fodder for the shredder. And so? you say. That's what first drafts are, yada yada yada. I know, but I want more. I want passion while I write. I know that I've felt brief bursts of it since beginning this project, but those flares are such distant memories, I can't remember the heat or the light, only some vague recollection that tells me I once cared more than I do now.
It's not that I'm giving up on the project or think that it should always woo me with that first flush of attraction. I know it's more at the marriage stage; it's still good, and I want to work to keep it that way. The thing is, this project is a lot of work, much more than I'm used to. That writerly pride tells me that I *know* that, so I should move along to acceptance and get the first draft out, writing steadily, even I don't know what towards, until the Apr. 1st deadline I set for the first draft. Don’t set it aside. Buck up; write on! The “flighty” side of my brain says to ignore the pride and the self-imposed goal (which means nothing to anyone besides me anyhow) and just have a wild fling with a new project. Only problem, Little Miss Flighty isn’t flinging me any Write-Me-Now ideas.
So you hear that, LMF? If you want me to write something else, be more forthcoming. Until then, keep your discontent and bemoaning lack of passion to yourself.
In a spat of synchroncity, two other people on my flist touched on my feeling that I need to decide *something* with this project. First, pjthompson posted about the instinctual writer, and I recognize my brain's way of working in what she says about her method.
From that post and from my own mulling comes the thought that I need to just stop and wait for the rest of the brain to catch up(backtrack?) to whatever backbrain is snagged on. Nonetheless, I knew I would need more process time before I started. Actually, that's a fallacy. I haven't given my brain enough fodder for it to be chewing over anything in particular.
Second, I chatted with friggtonight and she told me about her indecision over which project she wants to tackle when she has finally settled in enough to get back to writing. My predicament, too, in a way, only I’ve been settled for a while.
*sigh* The Bitter River, with its historical setting is just so outside anything I've written or attempted before. I can't say, Don't write it like TTD (meaning without a plan) because it will take forever. Because it IS going to take forever. There are too many things I'm going to have to research, too many incidentals that I have to nail. Too much peripheral knowledge I have to accrue.
I think the grist for my frustration mill is the project timeline I see stretching out endlessly before me. As friggbemoaned, she wants to work on a new project but is compelled to complete another which is farther along and will give her a needed sense of accomplishment. I know The Bitter River isn’t going to give me that sense any time soon, so I guess I’m rambling until I give myself permission to set it aside if needs be until I can feel motivated/qualified to tackle it again. However, when I contemplate that, I’m afraid I’ll kill what interest I do have for the project, kind of like I did for To Be Undone, when I planned it all out and then didn’t let myself start on the narrative before my head was so crammed with random info that it wasn’t any good to me.
Also, there is a double-edged thought to consider when setting aside TBR to take up something else. Side one, a lot of pressure on TBR to make it into something dazzling and presumption that could set me up for failure. Side two, if project X is so "brainless" is it really worth writing? I can't win. Either I take myself too seriously or not seriously enough.
Why am I still awake when I got so little sleep last night? *hears a voice, like those old, "This is a test of the emergency broadcast system" messages that says, "Please disregard this writer's idiotic ramblings. She makes no sense. She's very tired.*
*hits "post to mnfaure" before the voice changes her mind*